(Note: Once again, BetterHealthBytes is delighted to welcome guest author Roxanne Livingston, M.A., author of Chronically Hurtful People: How to Identify and Deal with the Difficult, Destructive, and Disconnected.

The following is the second of a three part series she wrote for BetterHealthBytes newsletter. In the first, she answered, "Why is this relationship so darn hard?" (See Vol VI #103) Now she focuses on the effect a CHP can have within the family and the beliefs individuals may come to hold when one of its members is a CHP.)                                                                                 Pamela Levin, R.N., T.S.T.A

Your Personal Relationship with a Chronically Hurtful Person

Family and Limiting Beliefs

Someone with a parent or parental figure who is a CHP may show up in therapy believing him or herself to be unlovable. The idea that this authority figure was not emotionally available or emotionally connected enough to offer basic loving care may come as a revelation that is hard to believe or accept.

It is so much easier for many of us to self-blame for the lack of support and encouragement received than to face the idea that a parent or other person we depended on didn't have what it takes to give the kind of nurturing and self-less care that a child deserved. It may be even harder to accept that this person was dishonest and manipulative.

If someone believes "this is my fault" there is always the hope that "Since I am to blame, there is something that I can do to fix this." It is a common and unfortunate thing that many people take responsibility for the hurtful behavior of their loved ones. The unconscious or semi- conscious thinking goes, "If I can just prove I am good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or strong enough, this person will love me."

The truth is, however, those things were never the problem in the first place. It is highly stressful, whether recognized as such or not, to live with someone who has no real investment in how a partner (or other family member) feels about anything, or his or her needs.

None of this implies that blaming one's partner or family of origin for one's insecurities or self criticism is a good or helpful strategy. Blaming is never useful, no matter who does it. Solving problems is useful. To begin to solve problems it is important to get clear on what one is and is not responsible for in any interaction.

We are responsible for our own behavior, and our own feelings. This does not mean that we need to castigate ourselves for feeling scared, lost, hurt, angry, confused or even for occasionally "losing it" emotionally by yelling or crying. Feelings are good and necessary allies. Responsibility for feelings means listening to those feelings and seeing what they are asking for, and following up with self-care.

Feelings tell us we have a need, be it to be comforted, understood, gather information, set a boundary, rest, or any number of other things. We all carry so much wisdom within, and a great capacity for healing once we learn to listen gently and openly to our quiet and loving inner voice. Everyone has this capacity, no matter how far away they have gotten from this aspect of themselves.
We are interdependent as human beings, and everyone needs trustworthy allies and mirrors in the form of friends or professional helpers at times to help us get clear on what is going on for us.

Once someone has accepted that he or she may not be able to do anything to change another's hurtful behavior, and understands that a CHP's defenses are and may always be more important to the CHP than the relationship, the beginning of living a happier less dramatic and more peaceful life can begin to emerge.

For more information see www.chronicallyhurtfulpeople.com Roxanne K. Livingston, M.A. ,is a licensed professional counselor who trains professionals about working with people who are difficult, destructive and disconnected. She has shared this expertise in Chronically Hurtful People: How to Identify and Deal with the Difficult, Destructive, and Disconnected. Go to www.chronicallyhurtfulpeople.com

Roxanne Livingston, M.A.,
June 29, 2015

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